So far away...


So early hours this morning Ryan decided that it was time for Kairi to sleep in her Moses basket.

I've spent every wake and sleeping hour since thinking, crying and dreaming about how I'm away from my little girl.

You see I love Co-Sleeping, being able to cuddle her, see her as soon as I open my eyes, feel her breathe, hear every little sound. I love the closeness, the bond that we have made partly through breastfeeding, but partly through co-sleeping.

I've gained her trust, she knows her mummy will be there as soon as she opens her eyes, I'm there to let her know its ok, whether that be by talking, touching or just looking into her eyes.

But now I can't comfort her, she's not close, I look but I can't see her and although she is within my reach, I feel like  she is miles and miles away, like someone has ripped her from my heart and only letting me be her mummy during the day time.

I wasn't ready to give up co-sleeping yet, I'm sure she wasn't too. It's like breastfeeding, a silent agreement between the 2 of us that never needs to be spoken as we just know, we will know when we are both ready to give up, when our sharing has come to an end, but for now she is still a baby and babies don't last forever. So why can't I cherish every moment?

I see her smile first thing in the morning, she's happy just laying there all because she knows she safe. I feel awful taking that trust away.

My heart feels like its being ripped into two again. My life, like its being controlled. First my dog was taken away and told to sleep else where and now my baby.

And all this apparently to make us closer?  But how can someone be close to a man when they feel like he has taken their child away from them? How can you cuddle up to someone who has made you feel like your heart is being ripped into 2?

I know my posts are usually happy and I'm sorry for this so sad posts, especially one national breastfeeding week, but I needed to share how I feel in hopes that someone would share how they feel or dealt with a situation like this.

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Thank you for taking time to read my post, I try to reply to every comment but sometimes this is not possibly (nappies first, chat later!) if you need a fast response from me check out my Facebook page or tweet me @mummieswaiting.
Jade x