Letting you cry

by - 12:48:00

For 20 months of your life, I was there. Every time little noise you made, I was there to help you, give you milk, cuddle you, do anything you need. I've always hated controlled crying and crying it out, I don't want that for my girls, I can't bear thinking your feeling that way.

Suddenly, you became a big sister, your amazing at it, I couldn't ask for you to be better, but things have changed, my heart now breaks every day.

You see now your a big sister, I have someone else to look after, another cry to stop and that means that sometimes you have to wait, sometimes you have to cry and I can't do anything about it.

It's 5am, you've awoke and I turn over and feed you. 5:30 comes and I think your asleep, I rush to the toilet because I've held my bladder long enough! When I come back, there are 2 beautiful princesses wide awake staring at me, but what do I do? You'll both want milk to go back to sleep and I can't give it to both of you at the same time.

Naminé's only little, she'll never understand why she has to wait, but your a big girl now, so I try to explain to you, 'mummy needs to feed Naminé now' I say, 'Kairi an have hers next and mummy will give her a great big cuddle'. You burst out crying, tears stream down your face, your heart broken, for the past 20 months I've attended to every cry, I've fed you straight away and got you back to sleep and now, mummy is dealing with someone else. Mummy makes you wait.

I know what you must be thinking, mummy doesn't love you anymore, the confusion going through your body, working out why.

So I feed you, Naminé is asleep and I cuddle you to help you get back off, I hear Naminé stir, I pray she's not going to wake up, but of course she does, she doesn't understand, mummy isn't there, she cries and cries for her milk, but I'm still trying to get you off to sleep.

At last it's 6:45 and I've got you both back off to sleep, I lay in bed wide awake feeling so guilty that I've let you both cry, pondering over ways to change it, ways I can make you both happy, get you to sleep again without any tears. Can I be a good mum? Will this pain ever stop?

So I'm sorry my princesses, mummy is trying her hardest to find ways not to let you cry, I love you both so very much x

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Thank you for taking time to read my post, I try to reply to every comment but sometimes this is not possibly (nappies first, chat later!) if you need a fast response from me check out my Facebook page or tweet me @mummieswaiting.
Jade x