Suffering with Post Natal Depression and not realizing...

19:36:00

Wow, So this is something I never ever thought I would write, I mean, I ALWAYS have it together... RIGHT?

Yes I have my share of down days, but doesn't everyone? But that's the thing I released, the down days, they weren't going away, they just keep coming and all of a sudden I'm surrounded by the massive black cloud, its everywhere, the light has been blocked out and the sun is nowhere to be seen.

Every cloud has a silver lining and yes and I found that to be true, even though all these dark and dreary days kept coming, I tried (and was successful most days) to find something good in each one, Namine rolling over, Kairi learning a new word, 1 less day until I see Ryan, I less weekend until we move.

PND is supposed to be 'triggered' by BIG changes in your life and although I don't know the exact date it started, from how I remember feeling I would say it was probably around the time I fell pregnant with Namine (April 2014, Kairi's 1st Birthday). Everything was going so well for us, we had out beautiful daughter and we had done so many amazing things with her in the past year, she was our rainbow, the light that came out of all the nightmares we had faced in the years before. Her first birthday came and Ryan got his fantastic news that he had just got a job in game development! We had also decided to finally get married too! Then end of April came and Ryan left, I remember it really well, It was 1 week later, I was going insane, I had, had a hard time with Kairi and I remember crying my eyes out, 'I can't be a mum', I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't be a single parent. The next morning I woke up and was sick... I was pregnant, I knew before I'd even peed on the test! My life had changed again and I had no idea how to feel! I was so excited, finally I was pregnant after months of wanting another baby and then finally giving up. But wait, I was technically a single mum Monday-Friday, how was I going to cope?

But I continued and every time I felt sad/down/things went wrong, I just put it down to having a bad day or being alone. The staff at the children center noticed that Id changed, I wast as upbeat as I used to be, as patient with Kairi. Apparently 1 time I picked her up by 1 arm, like I didn't love her, but i didn't Even remember doing it. They spoke to me and reported me to children's services, I was heart broken and felt like a failure, I began to question my self as a parent and if I should be working in childcare. Skip forward to my last trimester and I cried LOADS! I cried that Kairi may stop feeding, that I wouldn't be able to cope, but most of all I cried for the relationship with Kairi that I was about to lose... How could I be so stupid? How could I have wanted another child? Could I not see that it would change everything we had? That I would have to let Kairi cry sometimes? Or even put her second?

In my last week of pregnancy, I found out I had OC (obstetric cholestasis), It meant that I had to be induced and there my worrys/concerns grew... to be induced I would have to leave Kairi... OVERNIGHT! I had never left her overnight before, how would I feed her? What If I was stuck in there for days? WHY WAS I HAVING THIS STUPID BABY? I didn't want her, I wanted Namine gone. They told me that I had to be induced as the risk of still birth was far too high to stay put. I cried in the hospital and thankfully a midwife let Kairi stay with me, I lay awake all night cuddling her and feeding her, taking in every last moment of just me and her, mourning for the loss that was coming. The end of our relationship. They could of taken Namine, I just wanted them to give me a quick C-Section and take her, I didn't want things changed.

Namine came and again (like had happened when Kairi was first born), I didn't love her... except in a few days unlike Kairi... I still didn't love her, I cared about her and didn't want anything to happen to her, but I couldn't love her, it was like I just didn't know how. At some points, I couldn't stand her! To spend time feeding her,, it meant that Kairi had to cry and I never left Kairi to cry, and while Ryan was here, him and Kairi got to do everything together and I was stuck with this baby So I left Namine to scream sometimes and it was AWFUL, her screamed pierced through me and I couldn't stand to look at her or hold her. I was hostile towards my own baby. Weeks past and not much changed, finally Namine needed me less and Kairi started to learn how to occupy herself.

Namine turned 3 months old and I realized I finally loved her... then a whole new daemons were hanging over me... What had I done? Id wasted the first 3 months of her life, I missed them, I missed my baby be a newborn and Id LET her scream! Then I started thinking, WHAT IF SOMEONE HURT OR TOOK MY BABIES? How could I live? Over the past few weeks we've had housing issues and little things not going right and I got really low. I hate myself nearly every day for how I felt/treated Namine when she was first here. Women lose babies every day and I know how that feels, How could I have one that I just didn't care about? How could I let her cry? Some days I can forgive myself now, I understand why, but its still hard to see how that is okay.

The thought of someone taking my babies has been eating me up inside, I would concoct crazy scenarios inside my head 'what if i got in a fight with someone in the street and they took me away, I would never see the girls again?' (I have never had a fight in my life... these scenarios are insane... but feel so real). Last week I hit rock bottom, I wanted so badly for these feeling to end, I wanted someone to take the girls for a few hours, So I would have the time to leave them and my family letters about how I feel and make sure they knew I loved them before saying goodbye to the world. But thankfully, I couldn't... I couldn't let the girls out of my site... Part of feeling like this means I have to have the girls with me, for now, its the only way I can feel safe, feel okay. But it scared me, what If I could of got someone to pick the girls up, what then?

That's when I realized... something wasn't right, I wasn't okay, I had PND, I needed help. I tired all weekend to tell Ryan how I felt, but I couldn't do it, I knew there would be questions, so i had to wait until he left and then messaged him. Telling him and being honest took a lot, but it took a massive weight off me, It was the first step to recovery. My next step was asking for help, There was only 1 person I knew I could speak to, It wasn't a doctor or health visitor, it was the staff at the children center, One lady in particular. I took a deep breath and told her how id been feeling and asked for help. I couldn't tell her everything, I was too scared that being completely honest would mean talking the girls off me. I then opened up to my mum and I knew I had took another step on the road.
So I've asked for help and I can honestly say I don't feel like I'm at rock bottom anymore, I'm thankful that I realized and managed to ask for help before I did anything stupid. Just talking, letting it out has helped me loads, I've spoke to other woman and I know I'm not alone. I no longer want to end it all and I know things will get better.

I urge you... If your feeling low and think things are not going your way... look into PND and if you do/think you have  it, speak up, get help, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

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Thank you for taking time to read my post, I try to reply to every comment but sometimes this is not possibly (nappies first, chat later!) if you need a fast response from me check out my Facebook page or tweet me @mummieswaiting.
Jade x

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