Fighting an invisible illness.

09:00:00

Invisible illnesses suck! You can walk, go out, socialise and everyone sees that you are totally okay, though inside you are screaming, panicking and bursting to cry. I've been suffering on and off since I was a child. An illness that I'm sure no-one knew was there (after all it is invisible). A few years ago I took a massive step and went to the doctors, unfortunately for me (as with every time anyone uses Greyfriars Surgery) the doctor was very dismissive and didn't help. 3 years on and after lots of struggling I finally got up the courage to talk to me new doctor in Ely, today I finally have a diagnosis and have access to the help I need.

Jade Karly Staff

People look at you like you are crazy, a perfect family including a wonderful husband and 2 amazing little girls, a lovely house and both of us have jobs we enjoy and although we are nowhere near rolling in money, we can afford the odd treat every now and again... So what's the problem? Who knows! I can have days where we do literally nothing, I'll just about manage to make breakfast or put a load of washing in, all I want to do is cry or be sad, angry, scared and I have no idea why. Yet other days it's like nothing is wrong, I'll detail the whole house, we go out just to have fun, we play with every toy we can find, we do exciting new things, make cookies, messes and masterpieces, meet new people and laugh lots! Some days I can let the girls play in the garden while I'm in the front room, others I can't go for a wee without the fear someone will steal them from inside our locked house or I'll lie awake at night determined I've heard something or someone is going to come in and take them/hurt them.It's hard having no friends here, I know a few parents from toddler group, but none that I can talk to outside the group. I'm lucky to be able to travel home once a week (though I literally get 2 hours with my family) and I'm even more luckily that my best friend still comes to visit me once every 6 weeks.

OCD and Anxiety are real, they're here every day and they're nothing like what you think. OCD isn't the 'checking' and organising that you think it is, (The Atlantic wrote an amazing post on what it really is) its the thoughts and feelings that hide behind that. You see my kitchen knifes lined up in a row, I see the result of me thinking that I would stab myself or my child with these knifes, I line them up to get rid of the unwanted bad thoughts. The scare that I would do something that I would never want to do, the worry about where on earth this horrible thought came from! You see the gate at the end of the garden closed and open it, you watch me walk back and close it and think its funny you've made me do it again. What you don't see is the thoughts and feelings that if that gate is not shut, someone is going to break in and murder my family while they sleep tonight, the thought ill lose everyone I love.From going to the toilet and tapping the tap 7 times, shutting the stair gate twice or organising the kids toys, its not funny, its real, its painful and it takes over my life.

Then comes the anxiety, the thoughts that no-one actually likes me, the thoughts I'm a bad mum or the anxiety attacks on the train when my heart is racing and I think I'm going to be sick from not breathing because I'm sure that someone is going to steal my sleeping daughter from her buggy. The thoughts everyday that I will lose my child, that someone will take them or an accident will happen.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and cry, I'm not the mum I wanted to be. I didn't want to shout and be angry, I wanted to be calm and caring, not raising my voice, but sometimes that part of my hides, the anxiety takes over and I can no longer think straight.

Wasp season is coming and I know that things could get worse, I'm battling my checking behaviour and fighting the anxiety. I will not let my illnesses take away anything from my children. They'll play in the garden, go to the park, swim, climb slides and visit new places. I'll find a way to cope, because that is what mums do. To all those fighting an invisible illness, we will get through it, we will find a way to live better and we will be happier.

If you're looking for other posts, I recently shared How I stay organised (which is how I cope!) or maybe a bit of gardening?

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Thank you for taking time to read my post, I try to reply to every comment but sometimes this is not possibly (nappies first, chat later!) if you need a fast response from me check out my Facebook page or tweet me @mummieswaiting.
Jade x

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