Living with OCD and Anxiety07:00:00
It's 1 am and I'm wide awake. The bedroom door is open and I jump just about every time the dog moves or breathes. Why is the bedroom door important here? Well in just a few seconds I hope you'll understand.
I suffer with Anxiety and OCD. Now on a good day, both these mean nothing, I can't run, hop, skip, jump and climb to my hearts content doing nothing more that touching a few gates along the way. However on a bad day, these illnesses control me, I take 5 times longer to go to the toilet because I'm tapping the tap 7 times, closing the staircase twice or making sure I've touched everything with both hands. I'm also tapping my wrists or eyebrows in a regular pattern in hopes to bring my anxiety down so I can get through whatever is bugging me.
Tonight, is a bad night. We got in bed at 11 and Ryan left the door open. Every night I close the door (or ask him to), it's part of my routine before bed, no exceptions. Tonight night was different, I asked him to shut the door and he was hot, so he declined, I did want to argue, have to explain what was going through my head or talk about it, so I decided to try to sleep with the door open, what's the worse that could happen, right?
Well here I am, it's 1 am, I've awoken from a nightmare where (and it made no sense in the dream), everyone was tapping, they were going about their daily duties of washing, cleaning or at the park, but the were tapping on different places on their body, in regular motions. (The way I bring my anxiety down). I'm awake, I see the door and instantly know that's what the problem is, now I'm in limbo.
You see I can't close the door because my anxiety is now really high from worrying about it before bed and then having a nightmare. I now can't get out of bed because I'm so panicked that something might happen. However my OCD needs me to the shut the door and by the point my head is freaking out, I'm tapping my fingers, tapping my phone and staring at the door, wishing my husband would wake, wishing he would get up and close it.
The dog moves and I think I'm going to be sick, now I'm sitting here having an anxiety attack over a stupid door, how did I even get to this point! Still I lay awake unable to sleep, worrying about what is going to happen with that door open. (Of course I know a closed door wouldn't save me, but the anxiety and OCD don't care).
My illnesses are cruel, they work together in strange ways to make my life hell. My husband, well he just really doesn't understand that small things I do aren't just things I do, they're compulsions, that need to be completed in order for me to feel okay, in order for the obsessions to go away and my anxiety to be gone.
I have no idea how tonight will end, currently, I'm wide awake with the door open. My obsessions can see us all ending up dead, my compulsions are telling me to close the door and my anxiety is giving me an attack and making me unable to get out of bed...